Memories of My grandma to hold on to:

My grandma passed away yesterday. I didnt get to see her. I wont get to see her funeral either. Living so far away and not being able to afford a plane ticket has destroyed me by not being able to see her. I wish i had called her more often. I knew she was old and dying, and fear of losing her, somehow froze me into not wanting to hear or see her condition because i couldnt bear to see her pain. How does that even make sense!?
So here is an incomplete list of the memories i have of her. I didnt bother to make it pretty.

• Feeding me food separated into sections and pretending i was a tiger about to eat.
• Sewing different clothes and mending others day and night.
• making Malpua, cooking Appam sitting on the floor next to a portable stove.
• Making pretend OOF! sounds when i would playfully pinch her.
• Helping me to clean my underwear when i first got my period. Many times she would do it herself just because I was 9 years old.
• Eating and bathing at strict times, dressing up in a fresh sari every evening at 4pm before tea time.
• Chatting with me late night until we fell asleep. 
• Me cuddling next to her on the bed , listening to all the Raja Rani stories she would tell me each day.
• Making Muri Moa ( sort of like a Rice Krispy Treat but instead of marshmallows, caramel sugar was used to stick the rice puffs together.)
• Telling me about her childhood. How she came to India from Bangladesh with her father and 4 sisters.
• Getting married to a much older man who she didnt know.
• Getting beaten by the same man whenever he got drunk.
• she was always humble. Although she was sure of what she knew, she never pretended to be better than anyone else.
• made hot food for me whenever my mom wasnt home.
• Played Ludo with me and was merciless.
• Enjoyed whatever music i would play, nodding her head to the beat even though she didnt understand the song or language.
• Always ready to listen to anything i had to say. 
• She loved me like a mother.